build your beautiful self

For the last 10 years or so I had been on a mission.

A mission to help women empower themselves to do whatever they needed to do to improve the circumstances in their lives to help them feel better. I had lived in tough circumstances, been abused both physically and mentally, driven myself into the ground trying to build something great only to have is destroyed through my faults and the faults of the people I chose to work with. I have taken on more then I could swallow, and reduced to doing almost nothing to further business.

I guess I have been an extremist at times and a lazy procrastinator at other times. I know the right things to do to be successful, but many times I have not been energetic enough to do them all. I have gone full force into workouts and health and (Recently) have let that take a back seat. I have been a horrible parent and a great parent. I have had glimmers of hope turn into something magical and similar glimmers of hope diminish into feelings of defeat. I have had moments of extreme happiness and feeling that I am on top of the world and unstoppable and feeling so incredibly pained that I didn’t feel like I needed to be alive anymore.

When I was in my building phase of my life, I figured out that I was put here to help people. I knew how I felt in all of my life circumstances and situations with regard to relationships and abuse. I knew that I had built the strength up on my own to take my son and leave an abusive situation. I had a vision of what I could do to contribute and incorporate my business model into making that vision a reality. I had an awesome plan that I could articulate to people in a way that they could understand.

I researched what I needed to do to get this thing going. I looked at other successful people to determine how they got where I wanted to be so I could make my goals and dreams a reality. I was on fire.

I saw an area that I could be of service to women to start learning what I needed to do to interact with them in a way that is impactful in their lives, yet I still struggled with old wounds and feelings of intimidation. I craved female friends and connections that ran deeper then just a group host and an educator. I wanted my circle, so I built it. I knew that other women were searching for my experience and expertise in certain areas of life.

I formed the group and it grew quickly. I was fulfilling my desires to help women make change in their lives or at least arming them with the tools needed to be successful and was the cheerleader cheering them on to the dream destinations. I was also busy building my businesses and felt fulfilled on many levels. I was so excited this adventure was going well that I decided to branch out further. My monthly meetings and phone calls with the women I was working with at the time made me feel as though I could really make a difference and I sparked the idea that I made my vision for somewhere between 5-10 years out.

I wanted to develop a property that would be temporary safe housing for women and their children (if applicable) when they are leaving bad situations. I had the vision to see what the estate would have for buildings, security, training, advocacy and many more things. I could describe it as I saw it in my head and when I started speaking the words I realized people understood exactly what I was talking about. I could put the vision that I had in their heads as well and they too could see my vision in all its’ grandeur. I knew I was on the right track. I worked like a dog to get the properties I was working on going to make the cash I felt I needed to contribute to the love project.

Things were going great until they weren’t. My life and business fell apart and any hope of being the type of person I needed to be to create this space was completely obliterated. This goal of mine turned into another thing that I wouldn’t accomplish. I was heartbroken and mind broken. The support I was giving to the women I was serving was no longer enough to pull me from the darkness. I sulked into a dark hole and stayed there for a mighty long time. Fast forward a few years and I get a glimmer of hope again.

I once again mustered up the courage to leave a not so great for me anymore circumstance. I knew that if I stayed in my current situation I would certainly take my own life. I no longer felt the desire to drive, to go on living, to push forward and I certainly didn’t have any more answers for why things aren’t working. I saw a light shining in a direction that I needed to go and I was re-invigorated. I started working on the things that made my life feel validated. I had hope and love and strength and the words, actions and thoughts flowed from me like a river. I knew that I needed to build this thing and it would be an even better thing then I had envisioned before because of my new found strength and drive.

I quickly learned that life is a funny thing. I jumped at an opportunity to get help and it ended up turning my new found momentum into another rock bottom. I built and built and nothing. No money, no business, no job. I lost my self esteem and self respect because I had put myself in a room of people who were doing great things and I was at my emotional breaking point. I believe it was a mix of a mental breakdown and a realization of who I was at that point and that I really needed to work on myself. I could be any good to anyone if I was having a midlife crisis/identity crisis. I had partners come and go because we were going after something that was an extremely tough feat. We were trying to get a competitive advantage in a competitive market with partners who were leaving me to figure out how to bring the dollars in. They had the money to invest, and did a small portion of what it takes to get deals done. Once again, I was distraught and emotionally broken. I knew at that point it had to be me.

I dove into education and self help. I did all the steps in all the books to uncover my past traumas. Armed with all this knowledge of major and minor turning points in my life, I now had shifted my vision for this space.

Before I wanted to be the one to help these women and children directly but I learned about myself and how I am affected by the people surrounding me. I knew that if I did the things that I wanted to do and personally help these women, I would be pulled into that emotional state and that would not be helpful to me or them!

I have a shifted perspective on what I want to do now going forward with my service work.I have a lot to do for redemption of my strength, but I have been staying strong and continuing to push. I have started my circle over again. I am privileged to have a few women who jump on my calls that I put together that are motivating me to be something better than I was before. I am allowed to express my emotions, vulnerabilities, and things I need to be held accountable for. I am also able to be a sounding board for them, and a person they can rely on to get some support in what they are trying to accomplish as well. I hope that it builds up their self esteem and confidence and action taking abilities to be a part of this with me. I know that just having them there is super helpful for my psyche.

I am on the driving flow and building something spectacular. I still plan to work for my goal of transitional housing that offers support to women, but for now it is baby steps. I need to build a more solid foundation for myself so I can be of service more to my fellow women and humans.

Thank you for reading my blurb today. It means the world to me that you are here. These stories are a way for me to get things out of my head in the hopes of helping someone else in their journey. Maybe my story will help you build yours. If nothing else, I hope you know that you are not alone and I will always be here for you if you need me.

Cheers!

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.