build your beautiful self

One year ago my entire world changed.

A year ago something in my mind shifted.

As I walk along the sidewalk on this morning, the clouds are hanging so low that everything it touches is kissed by it. The ground is wet, the air is cool, and the sun is only a memory there to light the day, but not be seen.

I feel the sting and the joy all at the same time.

It is Christmas eve. I have so many things in my life to be grateful for. I find more every day. I do, however, always experience a kind of sadness around this time. I don’t have a death that has traumatized this day for me, but maybe the envious side of my inner youth that never got to celebrate Christmas because I was raised Jewish. It could also be the fact that throughout my life, typically, I have always had to spend my very last dollar making sure my kids felt the magic of the season. Why should my issues of brokeness be their memories?

I experience a lot of emotion this time of year.

Last year my gift to myself was California. It is a wonderful gift but it is filled with sadness also. Last year, 2 days before Christmas, I left my family and my lifetime home to come out here. It was no easy step.

Today is filled with Joy, it is filled with sadness, it is filled with love, and lessons.

Last year I was given a SHOVE onto MY path.

I had been spinning in the perpetual, no end in sight, circle the drain place where you have no idea what to do, where to go, who to turn to, what to feel, and what you are worth, wheel. I was stuck on trying to get things going, but always being forced to go it alone.  I had business partners who I adored and together we were attempting to make the next biggest thing. They were all doing their other hustles and I was alone to build the idea out. I felt as though I was on an Island yelling help but no one could hear me because I wasn’t really yelling. I was so afraid to feel weak and when I would ask for assistance, I didn’t enforce the “yes” response I got.

A couple of years before that, EVERYTHING I created fell apart. My business and my self-worth crashed and burned. I was lost and I had built up so much of a wall from everyone while it was falling that I didn’t believe I had anyone to help me. I was so depressed and alone and I felt like a wilting rose ready to drop the last few petals of life.

I am extroverted 95%. I feed off other people’s energy and it is uncanny how intuitive I can be to me. Working in a solo environment is not when I am at my peak and I quickly become self-induced isolated. I NEED to be a part of a team. I am also a person who can put her dreams out there and everything comes in its’ own time, when I am ready for it. For years I was proud of the fact that I had the reputation of “whatever she sets her mind to, she achieves.” That is me. Whatever she sets her mind to, she achieves. I believe that to my core.

I, however, apparently need drastic slaps in the face from the Universe or God or whoever is out there calling the shots when they are ready for me to act.

Energetic and life shifts to achieve what I want takes years, however. I believe that my dreams are stored like a coil being wound tight and the more I dream them and add to the story, the tighter the coil gets. Then when the time is upon me, the coil snaps and a big life improvement happens toward what I want.

I don’t just get to say “I want a million dollars” and, BAM, the next day it appears…My dreams take mini lifetimes©, as I figure they are, to come to fruition. This last one was a doozy though. Whoa man was it ever.

One day I was sitting in the mess that I had been dealing with for a year and I realized that if I didn’t change, I would surely die. I felt no life left. I was drained of every ounce of positive energy I had and I was tilting way to the negative. Depression and a lack of anything positive is a VERY dark place. You start to try to think of reasons why people need to around to justify your existence to yourself.

I had been wishing for a new life for a while, not separate from my family, but a better life somewhere else. I wanted to leave the cold and the snow for about 6 or 7 years. I was finished with it. Had enough. GTFO. Ugh. I had been dreaming of when life was great and trying to bring back those feelings, but I just couldn’t muster any more. I longed, lusted and prayed for those feelings in a warmer climate. At this time in my life I had no clue what to do anymore. I was invalid.

This was not the first time I had felt that word, but this is not the story for that 😉

I was listening to a lot of Tony Robbins at that point. YouTube videos and podcasts that had his name on it. I figured if he had changed many people’s lives at his seminars and I can’t afford his seminars right now, I would do what I could to absorb every ounce I could find online for free. I was trying to pull back the light in me. I wished and longed for the opportunity to see him live. Then a message came across my feed that said my pendulous (because I wasn’t 100% committed to the business, but that is another story) network marketing business company was hosting its’ annual conference and they were bringing in Tony Robbins! I mean…I could see him for an afternoon for a little more than $200! Holy cow!

Of course I fretted over the money for the conference and the plane ticket and the hotel and food I would have to pay for because we were just above flat broke. We weren’t suffering but we weren’t living either. We had just enough to breathe until we didn’t.

I was meant to take the trip.

I was able to secure the entire thing for $265, food, conference and all thanks to some amazing people who helped me. I went.

The transformation came from the energy in the room, the message that was spoken and the uplift in spirit that I got when I realized what I was experiencing. I was witnessing a single person who has grown so much faith from millions of people, that he can energetically shift the emotions of 15,000 people in an auditorium. It was invigorating and awe-inspiring.

My directional 180 at that moment was also intensified by the pull I had to get out of what I was currently doing in life and go in the direction that my heart was pulling me.

After months of figuring out what I needed to do, it was time to go. I experienced so much emotional suffering in those 4 months, it was traumatizing. I was not 100% sure what the hell I was doing until the last 2 months. I can’t even begin to tell you how painful. I was drawn however. I knew I had to go. I was not me anymore and the opportunities I chose to take where I could be myself fully for short stints of time where enough of a counter-weight to make the jump an absolute necessary. I had gotten rid of almost every single thing that was me by that point and what was left was brewing inside. I was ready to burst.

Then came the day. The night before was spent consoling my soul, loving on my dog I had to leave and packing my Jeep. I was only able to fit my clothes, my box of files, my coffee pot, my computer, and a couple of plants that I cherished.

I hardly slept that night. I couldn’t even explain to you guys the feelings I was feeling because there were SO many. I just knew that I was making the right decision for me. That is something that I only do when I am stretched to my snapping point.

My slap in the face to be bold and brave.

I decided enough attempts at sleep. I needed to take the step. I needed to head out the door and down the road. Be brave, I repeated, be bold. You are about to take the first step, drive the first mile toward a new destiny. Your story is unfolding.

You would not believe the weight on my heart as I pulled out the driveway. I was almost sick. As I drove south through Iowa, the sun was rising and my heart felt lighter.

The love story that unfolded itself and is growing daily is epic. That is another post.

I was 38 years old when I decided to change everything and since I made that decision, there has been amazing growth and awakening. I have gotten back to my heart and who I truly am. While I still have a million pound heart because I had to leave my beautiful adult son and teenage step daughter behind and I won’t get to share this day with them near me, I have never felt more home. I get to spend it with my other half and the little princess and my crazy Boxer.

I appreciate you reading all the way through to the end. There are so many stories, so many mini lifetimes within one person’s life. I love this lifetime as I have been given the privilege to share my pain, my lessons, and my joys and wins with you in the hope that it helps give you hope. I was put on this planet to inspire and create. I believe that you can create your life on purpose as I have, you just need to be brave and listen to your calling. It may not work out the first fifteen million times, but when it works out, you will have a hell of a story to tell. Live well my friends. More stories to come from me!

Cheers!