build your beautiful self

Changes in life are scary sometimes, but living stuck in a place you don’t belong is also a scary place to be.

In the past couple of months, I have had business ventures fail, I have separated from my life for the last 38 years and moved across the country to completely and totally turn my life upside down. Last night was one of the harder nights in this life journey I am on. I felt the full on pain of all that I have gone through in the last 3 years. It hit me like a tsunami, tearing every shred of strength I had away from me. I broke down. I cried. I released.

Out of that process, I realized that I was consciously working on shifting my mindset. I would have a wave of inadequacy feelings come over me and I would remember that this is someone else’s programing tearing me apart and it is also my thought patterns.

In my lifetime I have experienced many things with regard to people’s conditioning. I have overcome many hurdles and came out stronger and smarter each time. I still have moments where my old patterns come into my daily life but I have worked really hard to be conscious about when it happens.

In my youth I was praised and loved. I was told I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. I could achieve my dream life if I so chose. In my teens I was mentally and physically abused by my boyfriend/child’s father. In the next phase of my life, I was loved for a short time then told on the daily that I was getting fat and needed to do something about it by another boyfriend who treated me well then turned to mental warfare when I grew as a person. That kind of stuff creates some very strong feelings of inadequacy at an impressionable age for a girl. I took those feelings in and although I had managed to break off both relationships after 5 + years each, I still had all the mental scarring that was inflicted upon me.

I am a caregiver by nature and want all those I love to be happy and healthy and I will do whatever it takes to make it so. I have realized that the type of care I give has to be reciprocated even a little bit in order for me to feel worthy.

After a short time of being a single parent and an independent person trying to get my life together and find out who I truly am, in walks the man I would spend the next 12 years of life with. He was polar opposite of every man I had dated. He cared about me in a way I hadn’t felt and we were inseparable for a long time. He helped me grow into a woman, helped me care about my appearance in a healthy way, taught me loyalty, strength and a different kind of courage and unconditional love, until…I failed a few times.

Cue the flood of inadequacy feelings. They needed to show their ugly faces again. It was like the climax of a rollercoaster. You climb, and climb, and jerk and climb and climb until you reach the peak, 10 stories high. You look over the hump and see the STRAIGHT DOWN DROP to the ground level again. Then you swing around and loop and twist and turn until you reach the station again. It’s over. You are right back where you started, but this time your emotions are high (in this case, not in a great, exhilarating way) and you are not the same as you were 10 seconds ago because a new memory has formed.

On to where life is now. My scars are permanent however, how I deal with them has changed. Fate brings people into your life for a reason and the person I needed in my life, I found in a peculiar place. I have separated from the life I had previously known. I left my 38 year home, my grown kids, and my relationship. I took a leap of faith. I had no idea what outcome I would get. I could have fallen on my face or lifted myself to a new level. My old wounds are still there. It was scary as all hell. It was like every other scary thing I have done in my lifetime.  I have found my rock however. My heart place that was meant for me. All the life I had lived before was delivering me to MY place. MY happiness. Last night was a night that was endured but I found out that I am cared for in a way that I had never felt before. I was shown support and love and reminded that I am smart, that I am strong, and that I can do what I want to do. It was so helpful to be reminded of that fact. It changed how I was talking to myself in the back of my mind. I am forever grateful.

As I sit here reflecting on this topic of mindset, I am looking back at many things in life. They all boiled down to me finding my calling and my happiness. Every step I have taken has led me here. I have manifested all in my life. The mind is powerful and as I was going through my melt down last night I realized that all of these things are just manifestations of OTHER PEOPLE’S thoughts imposed on me. Feeling inadequate has kept me in a place I no longer wanted to be in.

My mind was whirling with thoughts. First thoughts were of how horrible I was because that is the default. I looked at that through a different set of eyes. I thought to myself, this is what THEY told me and I believed them. It got buried deep in my subconscious that I am the one who didn’t live up to the hype and therefore, destroyed lives. Granted in this scenario I had to remind myself that these were the consequences of my actions, but the way I was handling the emotions was within my control. I was harder on myself because of my belief system. I had to keep reiterating to myself that the situations I was in was circumstantial. Everyone makes bad decisions in life, takes on more than they can handle, or works so hard at something they want and it falls apart. It happens to the best of the best and is a part of life. What you need to remember is that those times are building you up for the next phase!

All things in life are lessons. All experiences in life are stepping-stones to the next experiences in life. Things happen for a reason and sometimes it is because you need tough love. Sometimes it is because you need a tender heart to make you feel important. Experiences have taught me that I can form my life the way I want. I have to put the work in to achieve it. I have to shift my mindset to believe it. If nothing else is gained by you reading this long post to the end, know this….Everyone is special and deserves happiness. Everyone’s happiness is different then the next person. Sometimes the road is long and hard and bad things happen, but the ones who persevere are the ones who truly get what they want. Sometimes you end up with something different then what you wanted, but it can be 110% better than what you could have envisioned. I hope that my trials are helpful to hear. I hope that you find peace with whatever mindset challenges you have to overcome and I hope that you know you are capable and can achieve so much in your life. It all starts with your mind.

Cheers.