build your beautiful self

Trauma is like a monster in your closet. It lurks there in the dark waiting for the opportunity to scare the crap out of you.
When you’re little, the darkness brings all the scary stuff. During the day you could look under your bed, go into your closet, go into the basement or any other spot that scary monsters could potentially lurk. When the night comes and the darkness falls on the world, all the secret portal doors open and the scary monsters come in.

I had an experience last week that shook me to my core. It was something that was not dangerous, only a little threatening, but VERY triggering.
It lingered on for days. It affected my wellbeing, my mood, my emotional state.

After some soul searching, some crying, some anger, and a feeling of inadequacy, I realized that it was a trigger for some very real trauma that I thought I had moved past. Man was I wrong.

So that leads me to question, how does one really get rid of the trauma? Do I need to desensitize myself to triggers? How does one do that without actually having the situations for bringing on the triggers?

Faith in a higher power? I have faith in a being greater than myself and that I am a part of a bigger world. I believe that I am protected from harm and the universe is conspiring for me. These are all lessons and tests right? Well I failed my test and I couldn’t stop myself from behaving in the ways I previously behaved when “tested” in this situation. Fear and a ton of anxiety came over me and my brain turned to complete mush. Felt like I was living the start of my trauma event all over again.

I don’t know if you can relate or not. I felt the need to share.

I am working through all of my questions, trying to crowd source supportive advice, and diving inside myself to work through the pain and anguish. I don’t want to do it alone because the monsters may get me.

I write this to tell someone who is going through a similar situation, light eliminates the dark. All that is scary in the darkness will be absolved in the light. Go find the light. I am working on finding my light to push out the dark.

Sending love and light.