build your beautiful self

Today marks year 3 that my father has been gone. This is such a challenging time for me because there is always regret that I didn’t get to speak to you one last time before you left, or give you one last hug, or get the opportunity to say I love you again.
I know that you hear my thoughts that share the love I have for you in my heart and watch over me from wherever you are.
I am getting better about turning sadness into joy that I got the privilege to be your daughter while you were here. I hope that I brought you joy and happiness too.

Being that I am sharing my dad thoughts on a public forum like this one, I thought it would be a good opportunity to add a little more about my life here to show you that no matter what happens in your life, you can always grow and change your station, change your emotions, and change how you react to things.

There are many things over the course of my years on this planet that have shaped me and I, like most, have my challenges with self worth and insecurities.

For many years of my life, teenage to my late 30’s, I allowed people to treat me poorly and make me feel like I was never enough.

When I was 16 years old and found out I was going to have a child and not willing to get an abortion (my own personal choice, not a political or religious one so don’t jump on the hate bandwagon here, MY CHOICE), I was treated very poorly by the person who was supposed to love me and figure it out with me, his father. The first blow was to the stomach to try to make me get rid of it. Then there were subsequent incidents that happen over the course of the next 5 years that robbed me of any joy I had being a mom and turned it into a dark experience. My son was the only thing that kept me going until I realized I needed to get away before he turned on my son.
I was ridiculed for brushing my teeth, asked if I was going out to cheat on him if I put makeup on to go to work, and was constantly left alone in the middle of nowhere with no one around me. I was isolated with my child and I was downright poor. I got food as much as I could from food shelves, WIC, and other programs, and whenever I got a free meal from my job I brought it home for my son. When we lived on a lake, I fished everyday for my dinner.

I got strong and I left. I was antagonized and stalked and pushed around until it finally stopped after 6 months. It’s funny, he didn’t want us around when we were there, but also was super distraught and downright angry when I wasn’t there anymore and he was Free.

Onto the next relationship. It was much better at first. I thought he cared about my son and was a good role model for him. That was an illusion. He was super dysfunctional as a human, only tolerated my son because he was a part of me, and was completely inept at socialization. I eventually started to put weight on (NORMAL weight because I was so malnourished) and I started hearing comments like “boy you are starting to get fat” and “your body looks gross” and “you should be working out more”

It took me 4.5 years to realized that this relationship was damaging and I deserved better.

Then there was marriage. No physical abuse there, but the comments about my weight, my parenting, my life skills, my career skills….Ugh the list went on and on. I was constantly in a state of having to take care of and make sure my grown husband was safe, fed, pockets padded and consoled when things didn’t go right. When you hear “you should have done this, or you didn’t do that right, or your legs are fat, or you need to eat less and workout more, or you should be parenting the kids this way – be their friend, no, be the parent, no wait you should treat him differently then her because he is a boy” It is really hard to know whether you are coming or going. Being embarrassed constantly in front of friend and having to defend his idiotic behavior that was really inappropriate and always making sure that all the items that were brought to the venue, plus the human, were back in your possession on the way home.

Ugh.

There are more challenges I have had to face but these are the baseline of it all and I don’t want to drown you in one blog post ♥

It was time to stop making those choices and time to start learning how to be me again and make my own rules. I also needed to start finding self love.

What all this has taught me?
-I am strong, even when I feel at my weakest.
-I can endure a lot of pain and suffering when needed, but I prefer joy and peace and will fight like hell to get it.
-I put myself out there a lot, but rejection still stings me. I was rejected a lot by people in my life stemming all the way back to elementary school. I still show up despite my fears
-I have tremendous coping skills during savage and devastating things
-I want nothing more than for anyone who I bring into my world to be happy and will make sure it happens, sometimes even to my detriment. (Work in progress)
-I have self image issues often, and although my amazing partner in life now does everything in his power to make me feel beautiful, I don’t feel beautiful sometimes. I NEVER doubt that he is attracted to me, it is me who is not attracted to me during those times.
-I can be very self critical and beat myself up a lot. Even for things I had no control over. I always feel like there was something I could have done better.
-If I am determined and focused on changing my life and know what my path is, I can do anything.
-I need a strong support system in my life to accomplish my dreams and I need positive reinforcement from others to keep going (Not what you are supposed to say or feel, but it is true for me)
-I will go to the ends of the earth to protect my loved ones and throw my body in front of the fire for them.
-I know that if I don’t ask for what I want, I will not get it.
-I am the connector of my circle. I am the one who reaches out to gather together and do things.
-I have gained a lot of wisdom through it all

My father and mother were always there for me. When I was beat down and broken, they picked me up. When I needed a hand, they were always there for me. They watched my son for me so I could work, they would come and visit me when I lived in the middle of nowhere and pretended to be alright. They knew better.

I have struggles in life now, as everyone does, but I know that I can count on my dad being proud of me. I see the smile and hear the chuckle of proud dadness when I feel like things are going well and his concerned comments making sure I am ok when they aren’t. My dad was my motivator to get my crap together when I needed it and it always made me feel better when I was wrapped in his arms. He taught me the joy of art and creation through painting and cooking and photography which were his loves. I have not grasped the photography pro gene yet haha. Cooking I definitely have on lock down!

I hope that you are living the life you always dreamed of wherever your spirit is now. I hope that you get to spend time with all those who have joined your spiritual journey and I miss you like crazy every day. Thank you for loving me.