build your beautiful self

I have been inactive in the areas of social media and blogging for the last month due to family and my best friend coming to visit. I have spent time connecting deeper and strengthening the bonds between us.

First visit, my daughter. She was the one hurt by my departure from my previous life the most. Though she is not biologically mine, she is mine. She has drive and strength and spirit. We were able to climb a mountain together, literally.

Then my love’s family in Idaho. We ate, we jet skied, we went to the hospital for stitches. We were able to spend time with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. We had a wonderful and fancy birthday dinner and enjoyed some down time and some work hustle.

My mother the week after that, came to visit us. I had not spent that much time in my mother’s space in years. It was nice to be able to have alone time with her to chit chat and watch her mannerisms. She has always had a heart of gold and to see her in “vacation” mode as she called it was priceless. Was also able to see family I hadn’t seen in 20 years. I was able to visit the grave of my great grandparents I was never able to meet.

My best friend, Jezz. Seeing her after a major life transformation, that I was only able to be a part of on the phone and from a distance, was amazing. She was revitalized. I was also able to enjoy seeing my friend visit the ocean and play like a child. I saw the peace on her face as she stood and took it all in. I haven’t had her in my space for that long in many years and it was great!

My son was last on the list. I loved having him here and being able to talk to him from a new perspective. I was fortunate enough to be able to spend another birthday with him. I have only missed one his entire 23 years of existence. He was my driving force. My why. I wanted him to see a better life. He has experienced mine, alongside me, the entire way from his birth. I was a child myself still.  We talked about many things. We went to the beach, out for some pretty great dinners, and showed him some great things this place has to offer.

I felt like he was short changed, however, because we are not in our twenties anymore and we were actually very tired when he got here from a month of some hard core emotions. I offered him up every ounce of love I had left in me while he was here, so I am not worrying about it too much 😉

I was also, at the last minute, able to get a surprise evening with my brother at the very end of September! I was able to take him to a coffee place that is frequented by his YouTube mentor. He has recently found a new hobby and a new inspirational person. He was lit up about it. I watched him wander around the coffee shop and could see in his head he was remembering all the places in that location that his idol stood. He touched everything so I know he was in heaven and the smile on his face was priceless. I got to hear all about his new hobbies and his girlfriend and his new job. It was such a great, short and sweet visit with him. Warmed my heart.

It was a great month. I was so fortunate to have so much love around me and the ability to experience it alone, without other family around. (I love having my family around, but alone is great for deeper emotional bonding) I got one on one time. The experience has allowed me to grow spiritually and increased my emotional intelligence ten fold. I can’t tell you how anxious I was for each visit due to my own preconceived notions I developed in my head. I unloaded a lot of crap onto my poor boyfriend emotionally because of all the things I felt guilty about in each relationship. I was worried about the visits because of my own insecurities. Does this ever happen to you? I think we all experience these emotions from time to time, unless you are a monk that has trained your brain to not have ties to those feelings anymore.

What I learned in the process with some good audio knowledge from high performers in the head space game, was how to shift my thinking.

I was listening to The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer on a recommendation and it really changed how I worked on these types of feelings so I could completely enjoy the time spent with my loved ones without the pain of how I viewed myself.

The lesson I took from that book that helped me through this challenge I faced was –  paying attention to your thoughts is key. It is more expansive than that so let me elaborate.

He says that you really have to sit with your thoughts and find solutions that satisfy the causes of the thoughts. You see each thought as it arises. “I wish I were a better mother” (the guilt) starts bubbling up and trying to cause emotional overload to ruin life and the visit with your child, as an example.
He teaches you to imagine you are sitting in a room and that thought comes through the door.* You see the thought and realize it is just your old crap coming to visit. You take the message from the crap that came in the room and you see it through realizing it is only a thought and it doesn’t have to be important. It is there to protect your old beliefs because they are what you are familiar with, and therefore, comfortable with. You must acknowledge that it is there to protect you. Break it down into the reasons you feel this way and how to replace the crap with solutions. You have to see the negative crap through in your mind, and appease the protection with solutions you can use from that moment on. 

See the thought. It is there to protect your old belief system. To keep you safe.

Understand what the cause of the thought is. What are the things about that thought that make you feel guilty?

Problem Solve. What can you do now and going forward to make you feel like you want to now feel in this relationship.

You have removed the thought and replaced it with the new action. You now have a plan of attack that you formulated in your mind by addressing the feeling and figuring out what you can now do to make the relationship move loving. You will no longer have the emotion of guilt attached to that relationship, messing with the time you get to spend together.

It is unfair of you to harbor negative emotions against the other person because of your own mind. If you feel negatively about another because of feelings of guilt or shame for something you didn’t do or did do, you are robbing them of more quality time with you. Your interactions are sheltered because of fear. That makes you behave in a different way then when you are truly open to connection.

It was an eye opening experience. It took A LOT to do this and definitely wasn’t easy, and it was also SO worth it!

I was able to put behind all the things I hated about myself and turn them into what I could do now and going forward to show the love I really wanted to experience with these amazing humans coming to visit me.

All in all was a great month. I was exhausted at the end of it, but couldn’t be more full of joy.

I am always around if you are interested in learning more about this type of mind work. I am learning and mastering more and more the more I am open to it.

* I am expressing my interpretation of his instruction to demonstrate the way I was able to accomplish what I accomplished because of the guidance of the book.