build your beautiful self

So, Last weekend I went surfing for the first time. I was sitting and listening to my man talk to me about how he wished he could take a day off and go surf. Wanted to use that day as a reminder that he is still in control of his life.

What a statement. I mean think about it. He is still working in a job and that job dictates 9 hours of his day along with the on-call weekends that he has to take.  He doesn’t feel like he is in control of his life if he has to give up that much lifetime for money. If he works until he is 60 years old, that is another 26 years of that life control. Think about it.

The basic numbers: If he works until he is a reasonable retirement age, that would 26 years from now (60 years old). At 40 hours a week with a 2 week vacation, you are looking at 1,840 hours a year or 47,840 hours of his life he would dedicate to the paycheck. That is a lot of hours.

They say it takes 10,000 hours doing something to be an expert. That is 62.5 months or 5.2 years. If someone dedicates themselves to refining a practice for just 5 years of those 26, you will have 21 years left to crush any goal you set for yourself.

I sat there listening to him talk and the one statement that resonated with me the most was, “I want to take the day off, say Fuck work and go surfing.” I heard the rest and the words that he said were flashing in my mind like a neon sign! FUCK WORK GO SURF over and over and over.

When he had completed his thoughts and paused for my reaction, I said, “WE ARE GOING!” His eyes lit up like I had just given him the best news ever. I was really excited at the idea for so many reasons!

One, It would be exhilarating for him on so many levels.
Two, I had never been past my waist in the ocean because of a fear I developed
Three, we would take some of the control back in our lives.

We went that night and got me some gear. I needed a wetsuit and a board, he also needed a wetsuit. We walked into the store that I had only visited once before to find some sunglasses. We walked through the store to the back where the staircase was and climbed to the 2nd level of the store. The upper level was wrapped all the way around the store and the center was open so you could see the level below. We walked through the snowboarding items, around to where they kept the boards. As you came around the corner, there it was. My honey was pulled right to it, and my eyes followed him. It was perfect! Brightly colored and covered in flowers! So me. We obviously perused a little further, just to make sure there wasn’t another that was better. Nope. It called me.

After what seemed like a half hour to figure out how to squeeze my feet through the neoprene foot holes of the wetsuit, I pulled it up and instantly thought….OMG what am I doing?? LOL This is crazy! I AM IN A WETSUIT! Ugh.

That night I could feel the excitement brewing as I dosed off to sleep.

We woke up the next morning and followed our weekend morning rituals. Cup of coffee, little social media, music, and chatting about what kinds of ridiculous stuff people post on there which usually leads us down a tangent rabbit hole where we talk for a couple of hours about random things (I love that time).

We plotted the course for the day when we got back inline with life things. The excitement I had in my heart matched the excitement I could see on his beautiful face. We collected everything we needed and headed to La Jolla Shores to surf.

Now I knew that this was going to be difficult. I hadn’t swam any depth or distance in the ocean before, only played on the shores in shallow waters. I had never surfed or snowboarded before (I know…I lived in the land of snow and ice and never snowboarded) so I really didn’t have any concept of what it felt like to stand on a board like that. I did know that I was going to at least get my feet on the board and let go once that day. It was WAY harder than I thought it would be.

We took a little time in the parking lot to apply wax to our brand new boards. We applied the base coat to the boards. I watched him bring the white bar that looked like a bar of soap that cured to a waxy consistency instead of firm and smooth, up to his nose and inhale, eyes closed and a small smirk. You could see the reminiscing all over his face and I so couldn’t wait to have that too! I grabbed mine and did the same thing so I could make the same emotional connection to that scent. After the base, there is a second layer that gets applied to finish off the waxing process.

When we were done, my shoulders burned, my hands were sore, but my heart was all fluttery. We grabbed up the boards under our arms and walked toward the beach. He laughed at me when I awkwardly held my board straight up and down between the first set of cars. He smiles and says “No babe, carry it like this” as he displayed the traditional under arm carry. I laughed and said, “well I didn’t want to hit the cars!” He proceeded to instruct that we carry overhead and we were moving forward again. I blame it on my newness to board carry lol.

I NEVER said I was graceful 😉

We get to the beach spot that we will claim for the next few hours and pull our suits up. HOLY HELL I AM ABOUT TO DO THIS! I AM SO EXCITED! As we walked toward the water I thought about the fact that I had no idea what to expect. I was walking into the unknown and into one of the things I feared the most. It was scary.

The ocean and I have had a mutual respect for one another. She heals me and I remember her authority. This was a big step for me, and I was so excited.

I put the first foot into the water and didn’t feel a thing! I was dry as a bone and still warm. I didn’t feel the coldness of the 60 degree water at all and I was relieved. That made me relax a little. My smile was huge as I would walk forward looking out, then I’d take a few steps with him in my sights to look for reassurance. The further out we got, the more difficult it became. The waves were higher and stronger than I had anticipated looking at them from the shore.  The water was getting deeper and the waves came with a rapid progression.

A little further out where we needed to swim on the board to go any further, I jumped on and started to paddle. The waves tossed me around and I realized how out of shape I truly was. The emotional and physical exertion was so strong. I was exhausted. I swam as hard as I could because I was trying to get past the break to the calmer waters where you sit and wait for that ONE WAVE that is coming to take you to shore.

I swam and swam and swam. I paddled until I couldn’t lift my arms over my head anymore without using my body to force momentum that would throw it over my head. Mentally, I was absolutely determined to get to the smooth water, Physically not so much. If nothing else, it was to feed my ego instead of my sense of failure. I needed to overcome that hurdle. I needed to show myself that I could do what I set my mind to do but mother nature had other plans for me. I would get so close that if I just got over 1 or two more waves, I would make it. I forced myself to go forward, and I would get thrown back. Then I would get closer and I would get thrown back again. The waves also sometimes came in pairs and crossed over one another instead of just coming in straight on. I was getting pummeled left and right, swallowing mouth fulls of water, gasping for air, and gripping my board so tight to make it through the next wave.

When I finally struggled to release myself from the grip of the wave and looked around to gain my bearings, I realized that I was halfway between where I was and shore. I had been pushed back half the distance I had just swam. This is such a frustrating experience! I stood there regaining my breath and composure in the water and I was Swearing at the ocean! Asking why she was being such a bitch! Telling her to Fuck off happened more times then I care to admit. I was so angry and frustrated and disappointed. I needed a breather. I had no concept of how long I had been out there trying to push forward, but I couldn’t see my love and I could barely move one foot in front of the other because my muscles were so incredibly fatigued.

I drug my feet to shore with my board in tow, ripped my wetsuit down to my waist and dropped to the sand to rest. As I sat there I scanned the waterline to see if I could see him. The clump of people surfing looked like black dots on the water that would pop in and out of eyesight with the passing of the waves. I sat there and watched. I was envious of the people who were able to swim over the waves like they were nothing. Those people were in shape and had a great relationship with the ocean. I definitely did not.

After about 5 minutes of pouting like a 5 year old, being envious of the other surfers and scanning the water to find my partner, I decided I needed to get back out there. I was not going to give in to the power. I was going to force my body to get me there and I was going to at least TRY to stand up. I had to! I had to prove to myself that I could overcome.

I did not overcome the ocean at that time.

After what seemed like an eternity of trying again and yelling and cussing and crying….I found him. We both agreed that this was too much for a first timer and a returning surfer. We both struggled. The intensity was too high for us. It was too much to start out in. We were both exhausted and frustrated and what was supposed to be amazing was disappointing. We agreed that we were not going to end the day on such a sour note, so we decided to try the other beach we talked about going to, Pacific Beach.

We pulled our suits down, placed towels over the seats, hopped in the Jeep and took off for the next beach. Although we were exhausted, we were still so excited to go! It felt like redemption was coming. Neither of us willing to give up yet. We chatted about miscellaneous topics on the drive over to the next location. We discussed techniques I could use to try to make it a little easier, how far out we made it before, how hard it was, etc.

First thing you do when you get to the beach is try to find that primo parking spot. We drove right to the waterfront parking that we had parked at before, just to see if there was a spot. We ended up getting the very last spot next to the water. Parking like a rockstar! A bonus sign that we would do better at this location. This beach is down a staircase from the parking area, so we grabbed our stuff and headed down. The waves looked less intense and that eased our minds a bit. I think that if the waves at this beach were as crazy as the ones in La Jolla, we maybe would have reconsidered. Hard to say. We were both pretty determined, but it would have been too physically taxing to try that again.

Same as before, we set our stuff down, pulled the suits up and headed to the water, boards under arm. This time we could tell that the waves were less intense. It reassured us and we looked at one another as we walked with our boards deeper. It was crazy to get to a point of muscle exhaustion at the last beach and develop muscle memory in such a short time. My muscles, although tired, allowed me to continue to try. I had regained strength on the drive over. As we got deeper, I had to start swimming again.

It took me about 5 attempts and knock backs to get to the spot. While I was swimming I was talking really nicely to the ocean. I decided that swearing at her didn’t work, it just pissed her off and made her pummel me with waves.

I made it! I made it! I made it! WE MADE IT! The love of my life joined me in the calm. As we sat smiling and panting, we reveled in our accomplishment and commented on the fact that this beach was better for us. It was so satisfying and rewarding just to get there after the experience we had at the previous beach.

I asked a couple of questions on fundamentals while we sat. He instructed me as the waves started rolling through on when to go, and I caught my first little push to the shore. As I was moving, I laid on the board to feel how the water pushed the board. It was a little bumpy but the feeling of the propulsion from the wave to the board was exhilarating!

As it came to shore I rolled off into the shallow waters laughing the biggest belly laugh ever! I did it. I swam out there, found a wave to catch and rode it into shore! What a rush!! I had to get to my feet now. Even if I fell right off, I had to stand up. Back and forth from the surf to the shore I rotated. In between, I watched him catch his waves and work on his fundamentals. It was fantastic! He came to me to work on technique after a bit so we started in the shallower waters. I would get on the board, he would push me into the surf. I could feel the difference from what I had caught and how it floated me and what he would set me into (Still have to work on that). I was able to ride a few waves in on my knees and figured it was time to stand!

I got on my board and laid there like a corpse for a minute because I was so physically drained and I heard him say “get ready.” Alright, here we go! I felt the wave grip my fins and I was off. I immediately got to my knees and stabilized the board. “Ok, one foot then the other” I thought…Ready….Go! I pushed with my hands, contracted my core and willed my feet under me. They landed on the board and for about a split second I forced myself upright releasing my hands. I stood up and about 2 seconds later I was flying, butt first, into the water. I felt the firm slap of the water on my suit and squeezed my eyes and mouth shut as the water engulfed my face. I could feel the tug of the line on my ankle from the wave pulling my board as far as the tether would let it and I swam to the surface. I realized I could touch nearby and swam until my feet were planted on the ground and my board was with me.

“I did it!!” I screamed as he entered my eyesight. I was SO proud of myself!! There is nothing like overcoming an obstacle that you put in your own path. It gives you such a sense of pride and confidence, even if you fall on your butt 2 seconds later. It makes you get competitve with yourself and try to beat the last score when you finally get a taste of what you have been trying for.

Sometimes you have to give yourself a gift. That gift is whatever makes you happy. If it is a day in the water on a surfboard, a trip to the salon, a new pair of shoes, whatever it is! You have to gift yourself every once in a while. You are so special and have so many gifts to share with the world that are unique to you, but it gets harder and harder to share those gifts with the world if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

Sometimes you need a friend to shake you up and get you out of the routine. Someone in your life to say “Fuck it, let’s go surfing” or whatever fun insertion you have in that sentence. Sometimes you have to play hookie and have a fun day. It is your life. You are in control. I understand if you have to be an employee or even enjoy being an employee, but taking a personal day is not a crime. You need to feel like a rebel sometimes to reconnect with your fun self. Skip work for a day and lay in the sun like a teenager, listen to music, feel the warmth…SOMETHING! I promise when you return to work, you will be refreshed and feel a little more alive.

This day was a blessing for both of us and one that will be forever in our memories. The first surf.

Cheers

Alissa