build your beautiful self

Building a life together is patience and strength. There are so many things in the world that are there to tear a couple apart, but building your life shouldn’t be one of them.

Building a business is stressful and if you have a partner in life (your spouse) you should be able to endure all the ups and downs of your success path. What typically happens, though, is that you really let your relationship slip to the wayside. You take for granted the things that your spouse has to endure when you are going through the emotional rollercoaster of business building.

After many late nights of tears, heartbreak when things don’t go the way you planned, anger, frustration and self-depreciating thoughts, coming to the realization that maybe you need to improve is imperative to keeping what was once a whirlwind romance alive. Your relationship should be the strength to concur the world and it should help you keep all those frustrations on the other side of the door. The one thing that I have experienced is that it doesn’t, even if you work hard at making it that way.

Getting so wrapped up in your daily business life when your struggling to achieve greatness, so much so that you forget what is really important, is devastating to a relationship. All of a sudden conversations about the business turn to arguments and hurt feelings because you are already feeling bad and the defense mechanism is to lash out at the one person who is there trying to support you. Constructive criticism coming from the one who knows every intimate detail of you ends up sounding like an attack at you not becoming that successful person you set out to be. How do you deal?

Turning off that part of you is the key to being truly successful in life and love and business. So what, you aren’t achieving everything in the amount of time you thought you would. Shit happens and perseverance will bring you though to the success side even if it takes longer then you thought. Trusting that your husband is there for you and not just being a jerk is the first lesson in business development and love. This is the most important part.

There are a few things I have learned recently because I too take my wonderful husband for granted. Not intentionally, but it still hurts to admit that I have not been a stellar wife as of late.

I forgot how much all those little things I used to do for him mean to him
There were many things that I used to be so good at when not trying so hard to be successful. Things like notes telling him how much he means to me, making sure he has everything he needs and likes in our home, remembering to stop and grab items at the store that he didn’t ask for but you know he needs, and so many other little things that remind him that you love him and are always thinking about him.

I forget that he is the one true love in my life and he is there for me no matter what
Holding in your sadness and anger because you don’t want him to feel like all this was a waste of time is not making him feel that you are connected. All he wants in life and love is to feel that he is your confidant, your shoulder to cry on, and your strength when you are weak. If pride is keeping you from really letting down your guard and talking to him about your pains, stop it. Pride never fixed anything. Being humble and vulnerable is key to building strength in a relationship, no matter who it is with.

I need to remember that it is a man’s nature to “fix” things that they feel need fixing
Sometimes the delivery is not the greatest, sometimes you just want them to listen to the struggles, but nature created the man’s brain to be the fixer of problems. He wants to fix everything and make it better, he wants to offer up his solutions to problems even when you aren’t looking for them. He wants the credit for the solution, even if you aren’t looking for the solution from him just a listening ear. Men like to feel important too and when you don’t take the information they are trying to give in a positive way, it makes him feel as though he failed at being the one you go to for help. All he wants to do is help.

I am being selfish when I am so wrapped up in the business that I don’t see his pain when I forget to do what he asked of meHe asked you in one of the few times you get to see each other for a simple task and the stress and bustle of the day got in the way of your memory being top notch. You forgot because you are daunted with a million other things to get done. He asks you if you did the thing he asked of you and time and time again you have to reply with “I forgot, I’m sorry.” It shows him he can’t rely on you for things that he needs you to do and that builds the chasm between you. The one thing in a relationship that is most important is that both parties feel they can rely on one another in everyday life and in extraordinary situations. If you lose that, there is nothing but a space that grows between you because if they can’t rely on you, what is the point of being together.

There are so many more realizations that I have come to know as of late, but it basically boils down to a few things. My husband is the love of my lifetime. It amazes me daily that he knows me so well. Yes there are times when I want to bitch slap him because in every single relationship you always have things that make a bitch want to slap a man (lol), but in whole, I have truly been blessed to have a wonderful man in my life.

I am in the process of outsourcing my mundane tasks because there are so many things on a daily basis that I have to remember, send, ask for, remind people of, take care of, etc and to be able to focus on what really matters to me, I have to get rid of that portion. I need to figure out a way to be organized, remember what I need to remember, and make my husband feel as though he is the most important person in my world. He comes first, children second and business third. Yes, I put my children second to my husband because when our children are grown and living their own lives, it will be me and my husband. If I don’t put that relationship first and foremost, how will I ever be able to give my children quality of life? I don’t want them to grow up listening to arguments and think that is the normal way a relationship is supposed to go. How do you think they feel when they know you are cranky and not really present for them because you are preoccupied with the conversation you had earlier with your spouse? Frustration and anger do not allow you to be present in their lives wholeheartedly so your relationship with your spouse has to come first.

I remember one particular evening, while introductions were being made in my Women’s Real Estate Mastermind group, one lady’s intro stood out to me. She introduced herself and talked about her status in real estate investing (we ask the ladies to tell us what they are doing in real estate and whether they are a beginner, or seasoned investor). She had owned rental properties and her other identifying comment was that she was recently divorced due to the business. She proceeded to talk about how important it is to be present in your relationship and hold on tight to it no matter what. She seemed regretful that her relationship was lost and urged us all to make the conscious effort. I made it a point to remember her and her intro because I didn’t want that to happen to me. Yet right now I feel as though I have put my relationship to the side unintentionally and I fully understand the depth of meaning in her proclamation at the meeting.

This morning I came down to the coffee maker to make my first cup of coffee after an evening where I felt emotionally spent from fighting the fight during the day. I was tired and angry and because of that, I didn’t give my husband much love or time when he got home from work. It was a very selfish thing to do, but I felt that if I sat with him I would not be a nice person and didn’t want to subject him to that. He stayed up for a while after I went to bed and this morning I came down to the kitchen filled with notes of love, coffee ready to be brewed and his reaffirmation that he is here for me no matter what. First feeling from all that is “what an asshole I am” and after that, love and admiration for the man I have been with through thick and thin for the last 9 years. He always knows what I need when I need it, and can turn my mood around even when I was a complete jerk. How do I deserve such a great person in my life?

I decided to write this post because I needed to get the thoughts out of my head and allow them to be a tool for all of the women that may be sitting in the same boat wondering if they are alone in these feelings. Maybe I am alone in mine, but that is highly unlikely since a complete stranger brought this up a year ago at a real estate investing meeting I hosted. I am recommitting myself to the vows I took with the wonderful man I was fortunate enough to call my own. I am going to diligently work on becoming the wife I once was before business got in the way of my personal life. To those out there that are struggling with the same things I am, contact me and we can work on our lives together!

Wishing you love and success!

Alissa